Update

Yesterday as most of you know we went to Taylor's three year well check - Let me give you a run down on the leading up to this appointment...

When Taylor was born I was not sure she was going to live to see the world nor did I think she would live much past 24 hours, in fact something that I do not share with many people is that I was scared my daughter would die before I could hold her for the first time. But little did we know that Taylor would surprise everyone and just 6 short weeks after she was born she would be coming home...

Her one year appointment was brought with a few tears, mainly because I was sad that her "baby" years went by so fast - but also because as we sat in the waiting room another one year old little boy was walking and talking up a storm, Taylor was sitting on the floor, completely silent. When we got back into the room to have her check up, the Dr asked me if I had heard of early intervention services, I replied a very firm no and told him I was not interested and finished the appointment and never looked back.

At 18 months, when Taylor was still not walking or talking I started to get concerned, I would like to stop and thank Tasha, without her emotional support I would not have picked up the phone and requested services for Taylor. Now, A lot of you Mom's with Kids who have little to no problems, you have made it clear you would have taken the Dr. up on his offer at 12 months, I did not want to - I do not know why I did not want to I just did not, so stop judging me.

The point is at her 18 month check up they screened her for Autism, she scored positive but not enough to raise enough concern and at that time I was just focused on getting through Nick being in Korea. When Taylor was diagnosed with Seizures just a short 2 months later, I knew that something was different and that the road that we were on was full of challenges.

Now, lets get up to speed to the last couple of months, Taylor has had extreme behaviors - I mean extreme - and any mom that say's to me well my kid does that too - Seriously go have them evaluated. Banging her head into the wall, kicking, screaming, throwing things, breaking things, you name it I have had it happen in the last couple of months.

You can all sit back and say kids do things at their own pace, but when a Dr. tells you your daughter is functioning at 18 months and SHE is THREE... Ya you start to wonder.

So, yesterday we brought her in - I should have known it was going to be rough from the moment the receptionist handed me the communication paper to fill out and I had to answer No, to several of the questions. I also should have known that when Taylor threw a fit because she did not want to stand on the scale that something bigger and out of my control was about to happen - I mean her whole life before something "bad" happens we have had "signs" if you will that lead up to it.

When we got into the room, FINALLY - Tay seemed okay, I mean what kid does not like it when someone hands them stickers and lets them go to town? The minute the thermometer was brought out that was all she wrote, and honestly between Addyson saying over and over " want to get down" and Taylor freaking out - I am surprised the Dr. did not run out of the room - surprisingly he just smiled and said here let me take Tay here let Addyson down and lets talk calmly ...

I thought I was good - I thought I had my emotions in check, but when he asked how we were doing I lost it - then spilled out Taylor's behavior's and my fear that her therapists were right, she needed an evaluation for Autism and she needed it NOW. A few clicks on the computer and a piece of paper later *that I filled out* We had it - not an extensive evaluation but enough to send her straight to a dev. pediatrician. She scored positive and worse than when she was 18 months. She scored critical in 4 areas - FOUR.

Nothing could have prepared him for agreeing with my fears. NOTHING.

Yesterday I was crushed, I was absolutely crushed but with the help of friends who have special needs children they picked me up - and still are. For that I am thankful. I am also thankful for my friends with normal kids that they have not taken off yet - that they still allow their children to play with Taylor. I need that sense of Normal right now - So if I seem a little off for the next couple of weeks, and I snap at you or lose it or choose not to talk to you about everything it is because I need to process it with my family and few very few select friends.

I hate the word Sorry - I know it is a natural response to anything - I hate it. You can say it and I will smile and rattle off something a long the lines of its okay nothing you did, nothing anyone did.

Crazy how the last three years have prepared me for this moment, but none could have really prepared me - if that makes sense.

So hug your babies close - I know for now that is all I can do - is be thankful she is Alive and Healthy. She is living with Autism and not suffering from it :)