When we were given the "unofficial" ( I use that because only a Dev. Pediatrician can give us an official diagnosis) diagnosis of Taylor's Autism Spectrum Disorder, I cringed. I was already crying but the extreme anger I felt made me cringe - in fact I am not a violent person, but I wanted to slam things and punch the wall. It was kind of the "damn it" moment if I may. To this day, I have not come to terms with it and I still hold out hope that the Dev. Pediatrician will tell us otherwise when we see him in July.
I get it, I hear ya, "Janine, just accept it and move on" - Point is I can not, not yet - if ever. Taylor was born at 31 weeks due to pre-eclampysia. I have not yet gotten over this and when I do I will be shouting it from the rooftops. Taylor being my first daughter and myself being only 20 realized real quick when they rushed her out of the OR that this was not going to be an easy ride, Seeing my daughter in a box caused extreme hatred <---- there I SAID it, HATRED.
Unless you have ever had a baby in a box, do not even begin to try and analyze that Hatred. I hate all of the evaluations, I hate hearing how far behind she is, I hate when no one can tell me when this "nightmare" will be over, I hate that she will randomly refuse to speak, eat, or drink, I hate that she has extreme meltdowns and tries to hurt herself and me, and I hate that everyone keeps telling me not to worry about her.
I also envy every "normal" kids parents - and I am one of them. I hate that there is no normal... You see this hatred started 3 years ago. When I had Taylor and all the other mom's got to enjoy having their children in the room with them, I had to take a trip down hallways and through doors just to get to my baby, I had to come home without my daughter, I had to stare into an empty bassinet for 6 weeks waiting for the Dr. to release her.
I hate that my father was not there to hold his daughter and for me to take a picture for her baby book, I hate that if he would not have died 2 weeks prior there would have been a chance I could have carried her a little bit longer, I hate that I had to put Mum through pain again I just am full of hate.
One thing is for certain, I love Taylor Ann with all of the love a "normal" if not more Mommy does. I know the meaning of sacrifice better than most, I understand that to better the lives of my children that means sacrifice.
So Autism? It sucks, I hate it and I wish that I did not have to face the giants of the Autism world, and the stares and rude remarks from people in the grocery store? Ya, you... I was you once, I rolled my eyes when I heard a kid screaming - Now I apologize and feel sorry that you can not understand that children will be children.... I will try hard to calm my child, but know that once Taylor enter's into a meltdown there is little to nothing I can do - So if you make a rude remark, be prepared to be embarrassed after.
There - ya - go.
Hug your children tight and always tuck them in tight at night!
